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Sender: Open discussions on the writer's craft <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 22:21:36 -0400
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Reply-To: Open discussions on the writer's craft <[log in to unmask]>
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Tonight was the first chance I got to look at it.
The approach that you took with the story was okay, once I got adjusted to it.  I did like how some of the memories slowly fade and shift into other things, showing a bit on the status of her mind.  However, there are some times where she does use fairly decent grammar, and then other times where it just goes completely kaput...I didn't know if you were trying to show her going in and out of coherence, if this was on purpose or not...but in my opinion, I'd just keep it all one way or the other.
While I'm pretty lenient on what I consider a story, other people might not be so forgiving.  I liked the story for what it was, a semi-rant of a woman slowly losing her mind, but others might want to have something a little more...dramatic, I suppose you can say.  Instead of having all of those non-entries at the end, have something where the woman was hearing the commotion by the birds, since you made note that she was hearing something during the time Charlie was gone in the last entry.
Overall, it was a short enjoyable read, but there are just a few technical things that you'd want to look at before sending this off to publication (since I assume that's your end goal, judging from the top portion of your first page).  Try to get the grammar consistent one way or another, and unless there's a specific word/page count you're trying to go under, go a little bit more into detail about her wondering what happened to her cat Charlie, about hearing noises or whatever you'd like to do.  Good luck on it.

The other Matt

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