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Susan Brown <[log in to unmask]>
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Open discussions on the writer's craft <[log in to unmask]>
Mon, 3 Oct 2005 21:26:23 -0500
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Hmmm. The story sounds interesting. I couldn't read it, though, because I
couldn't open the attachment. Might I suggest that stories we put out over
this list for critique be copied into the message? That way everyone will be
sure to be able to read it.
----- Original Message -----
From: <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, October 03, 2005 9:21 PM
Subject: Re: [PWA-L] short story

> Tonight was the first chance I got to look at it.
> The approach that you took with the story was okay, once I got adjusted to
it.  I did like how some of the memories slowly fade and shift into other
things, showing a bit on the status of her mind.  However, there are some
times where she does use fairly decent grammar, and then other times where
it just goes completely kaput...I didn't know if you were trying to show her
going in and out of coherence, if this was on purpose or not...but in my
opinion, I'd just keep it all one way or the other.
> While I'm pretty lenient on what I consider a story, other people might
not be so forgiving.  I liked the story for what it was, a semi-rant of a
woman slowly losing her mind, but others might want to have something a
little more...dramatic, I suppose you can say.  Instead of having all of
those non-entries at the end, have something where the woman was hearing the
commotion by the birds, since you made note that she was hearing something
during the time Charlie was gone in the last entry.
> Overall, it was a short enjoyable read, but there are just a few technical
things that you'd want to look at before sending this off to publication
(since I assume that's your end goal, judging from the top portion of your
first page).  Try to get the grammar consistent one way or another, and
unless there's a specific word/page count you're trying to go under, go a
little bit more into detail about her wondering what happened to her cat
Charlie, about hearing noises or whatever you'd like to do.  Good luck on
> The other Matt