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Date: Tue, 17 Jul 2001 13:58:03 -0500
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Bush rests comfortably after surgery to implant pacemaker in brain;
Thanks to a device similar to the one in Vice President Dick Cheney's heart,
the nation has healthy, clear-thinking, plain-speaking leaders again.

By Tom McNichol

July 13, 2001 | WASHINGTON -- In the second White House health scare in
little more than a week, doctors Wednesday night implanted a sophisticated
pacemaker in President Bush's brain. The device, known as an implantable
cranial defibrillator, or ICD, continuously monitors and records the
president's brain waves. When Mr. Bush's brain activity becomes dangerously
slow for a chief executive, the device delivers a mild electric shock,
jolting the president back to a relatively active mental state.

"I feel good," the president told reporters several hours after the
operation. Bush then twitched noticeably. "I mean, I feel well," he said.

Doctors say the implant is performing flawlessly, although they're trying to
limit the number of shocks Bush receives to fewer than 100 a day. The
surgery came barely a week after Vice President Dick Cheney was fitted with
a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.

The White House portrayed last night's medical procedure as an "insurance
policy" against further problems for the president. At a news conference at
George Washington University Hospital, where the operation was performed,
doctors downplayed the seriousness of Bush's condition. The periodic
electric jolts from the implant, physicians say, will have minimal effect on
the president.

"His hair is not going to stand on end," said chief surgeon Dr. Alan J.
Thayer. "Well, maybe a little."

The president, looking tired but fit after his operation, said that the
device will help him function better as a world leader.

"The American people need to know that their president is equipped to handle
a trouble spot like Slovenia," Mr. Bush said. "Serbia, I mean Serbia," he
added, his head jerking violently.

Bush has an extensive medical history of moderately impaired thinking and
reasoning, dating back to the 1970s. Doctors have long noted that the
president's thoughts easily become confused, and that his public
pronouncements often deteriorate into a tangle of mispronunciations, faulty
logic and bad grammar. Although Bush's condition wasn't serious enough to
prevent him from running for president, or from winning the state of
Florida, doctors say his condition has deteriorated significantly in recent
months. The president's brain wave activity dipped dangerously low during
his recent trip to Europe, and stopped altogether at one point during a
meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin. The Russian leader was
unaware of any change in Mr. Bush's condition, officials say.

Yesterday, the president's doctors subjected him to a battery of mental
tests to assess his risk of developing a potentially fatal "zero brain wave"
pattern. Once the risk was confirmed, surgeons decided to implant the
electronic device, which acts both as a pacemaker and a defibrillator. The
pacemaker component is programmed to speed up the president's thinking when
it becomes abnormally slow. The defibrillator can shock his brain back to a
normal state if Bush's thoughts become "too fast," although doctors say that
the chances of that happening are remote.

The device that doctors sutured to the base of the president's cerebellum is
known as a Medtronic Gem IV DR model. (There were some problems with an
earlier model, which had to be recalled by the manufacturer.) Such devices,
once the stuff of science fiction, have become an increasingly common tool
in modern neurology. Hundreds of prominent Americans have been fitted with
so-called mental pacemakers in recent years, including actor Adam Sandler,
TV personality Mary Hart, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, singer Britney
Spears, Rep. Gary Condit, D-Calif., former vice president Dan Quayle, and
the entire board of directors of the now-defunct Pets.com.

Some of those who wear a mental pacemaker expressed hope that the
president's condition would raise public awareness about their circumstance.

"This may turn out to be a blessing in the skies for all of us," said talk
show host Maury Povich, who was fitted with one of the first Medtronic
devices four years ago. Mr. Povich trembled violently from head to toe
before adding, "I mean disguise, disguise, for God's sake, turn it off."

Bush has been advised to avoid deep thoughts for a few days to give the
device a chance to settle in place. Doctors say the president so far has
cooperated fully with the recommendation. Bush has also been told to
alternate holding his cell phone against his right and left ear so the
implant receives equal doses of radiation from each side. And the president
will have to run at full speed whenever passing through White House metal
detectors.

Several congressional leaders privately expressed concern about the
president's medical procedure, coming barely a week after Cheney was fitted
with a device to regulate his irregular heartbeat.

But Bush dismissed the worries, stating that the Bush-Cheney team is "more
fit than ever" to lead the country.

"You'll find no healthier duo than Dick Cheney and I," Bush said. The
president hesitated, as if waiting for a signal, and when none came, broke
into a toothy grin.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

About the writer
Tom McNichol is a San Francisco writer whose work has appeared in the New
York Times Magazine, the Washington Post, Spy, Punch and other publications.
His radio commentaries have aired on National Public Radio's "All Things
Considered."

Peace,

David Slemmons