Good call, Kent, and great suggestion for the fix.  Keep posting these passages on the list when you see them.
  ----- Original Message ----- 
  From: Kent Graham 
  To: [log in to unmask] 
  Sent: Monday, November 11, 2002 10:59 PM
  Subject: Re: [PWA-L] Things that go "clunk"


  Vicky Woodward wrote:

    The author is trying to get the characters from one place to the next, so he/she stuck in some trivial palaver to give the sense of travel.  It could have been skipped.
  <SNIP>

    What did you see, Kent?
  Matt and Vicky both observed that the passage was mostly throwaway, just to get the troops from the lake to the border.  I agree.  On the other hand, is there ever a place for "throwaway"?  But that's another discussion.

  Two things bothered me about this passage, as short as it was -- and they're things that recur in this novel.

  The first was a problem with sequence, with cause and effect.  First, we have Stone falling asleep, wrapped in a blanket.  Then we have Paula turning up the heat, and Stone's chills melting away.  What jarred for me was the character falling asleep before the chills melted away.  Wouldn't the passage have been more natural if Stone shivered, Paula turned up the heat, Stone's chills melt away, and then Stone falls asleep, wrapped in a blanket.  Aaahhhhh --- snore.

  The second thing that jarred -- and Matt alluded to this in his reply -- was the ambiguity of viewpoint -- if there even is one.  Seems to be Stone's, when the chills melt away (how could she know?) -- except that Stone's already asleep.  So it must be Paula's ... but the narrator tells us that "they" got on to 96, but Paula stopped for coffee, then they arrived at the border.

  Overanalyzing?  Probably.  But not only is it irritating in itself, it's symptomatic of other, similar lapses that plague the book -- and suggest that the author's father must have owned a big share in the publishing company.

  Here's one way to fix it:

  Stone shivers, Paula turns up the the heat, Stone wraps himself in a blanket, and the chills and tension from his narrow escape melt and he drifts off to sleep.  He wakes up when she stops for the coffee, gets a travel and time fix, goes back to sleep with the smell of coffee.  Then wakes again when she says: "We're there..."  He sees it's near midnight from the dashboard clock, feels a twinge of guilt at having left all the driving to her.  Then they cross without incident.

  Anyone else out there want to testify?

  Scribite!
  kent